When my child doesn’t listen
Dear mothers and parents who fall apart when their kids don’t listen,
There is so much going on right now in our world and in our country. Here in the lands we now call Australia, we are facing an epidemic of violence against women. Just today, I awoke to the news that another woman has been killed, meaning four women were murdered over the weekend. That makes a total of 43 women who have been killed in 2024 to men’s violence in Australia.
Over the last few weeks, I have been closely reading responses from advocate groups and grassroots organisations working to stop domestic violence and sexual assault. Throughout it all, a very familiar story from my childhood returns…we are not being listened to.
Last month, I walked in the ‘No More: National Rally against gender-based violence’ organised by What Were You Wearing. This is the first rally regarding violence against women that I have been able to attend. Previously, I was too scared or triggered to go.
This time, I walked on behalf of so many survivors of SA and DV, as well as their families. It was such a powerful moment to speak out. But in the days and weeks that followed, the government's lack of response has been extremely triggering.
None of the rally’s demands have been met. An expert panel that was established to tell the government how to prevent violence against women and children has no representation of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women, who are disproportionately affected by domestic violence. Warnings made by DV victims have been ignored that have resulted in fatalities.
The echo continues: we are not being heard.
The week following the No More rally, I absolutely broke down when I was making afternoon tea for my daughter. She asked me for a snack whilst she was having tv time, completely absorbed in her latest show. When I asked her what she wanted and she didn’t respond. I gently asked a few times and each time, my question went ignored.
Then the anger rose within me. Before I even realised I was doing it, I snatched the iPad away from my daughter and was crying, “You’re not LISTENING to me!!!” over and over again. My kid simply replied, ”I didn’t even hear you!”
I felt my body filling with adrenalin, getting ready for flight. In that moment, I couldn’t have one more person not listen to me. My past, our country’s present, my child in front of me all blurred into one. I felt my chest tighten and my breath quicken, a panic attack rising within me.
For many of us who have experienced trauma, we were not listened to, believed or responded to. We may not have had a safe enough space to share what had happened. Or we were not believed, we were silenced or even vilified. Whatever our unique experience, we came away with the experience that not being listened to = not being safe.
As we parent in the midst of a systemic response to domestic violence where we continue to be silenced - it is understandable to be triggered when our child or children ignore us.
For me, when my daughter wasn’t listening - an old part of me rose up with such intensity. Externally, I was snatching the iPad and shouting, “You’re not listening to me!” but internally, a part of me was screaming, “I am not safe!”
That afternoon, I took myself off to my room and let the panic attack rise and relent. As I emerged, I guided myself through these questions and identified the following:
Where do I feel safe enough? - I feel safe in this moment in my home.
Where do I have control and choice? - I choose to step away and regulate myself.
Who do I trust? - I can lean on my family and friends.
Who is in this with me? - I am part of a movement of activists with lived experience like myself.
Where do I feel powerful? - I acknowledge my resilience and strength to move through triggers.
As the weeks of systemic silencing continue, I am moving through parenting with more awareness and self-compassion.
With gentleness,
Dusk
